[YUUKI.N]

Let's hear some of your funniest jokes.

Here's one that I personally like:

A British person, a French person, and an American person all get stranded on this island together. Some after being stranded, they meet a tribe of canibals.

The chief of the tribe says to them, "We are going to kill you, use your hair to make clothes, use your bones to make weapons, use your skin to make our boats, then roast you, and feast on your meat slowly for the next three days."

The three shipwrecked survivors were trembling at all the things that the canibals were going to do to them. Then the chief told the men, "But I am feeling generous today. I will allow you to choose whatever method you wish to kill yourself. We have a large range of items taken from others that we have feasted on. So... Choose Now!".

First the British person spoke out, "I wish for a pistol please." He is handed a pistol, he points the pistol to his head and yells,

"For Britannia!!!!" <-- (yea I went there)

and dies. Next the French person asks, "I wish for a sword." He is handed a sword and yells, "Viva La France!" and chops off his head.

Then the American says, "Give me a fork." The chief looks at him with puzzlement but gives him the fork. The American then proceeds to stab himself everwhere with the fork. The chief shouts, "Hey?! What are you doing?!"

The American replies, "So much for your f-cking boat!!!!".
.
.
.
That turned out longer than I expected.

[Issitheus]

My dog has no nose.

[Kuwabara]

how does he smell?

[Issitheus]

awful!

[Kuwabara]

so uh.....are we gonna try to keep this clean.....or can we tell sex jokes too ::)

[YUUKI.N]

That depends, is it so obscene that you'll get banned? I don't really care myself.

Btw, cool combination between you and Issitheus.

[Kuwabara]

....i asked issi....he said to ask zarx....but i dont wanna bug him right now....so i'll just hide it :P

here: [color=white]one night little johnny woke up and heard a noise coming from his parents bedroom. he gets up, walks down the hall, opens the door, and sees his dad doing his mom. johnny shuts the door real quick and runs back to his room. johnnys dad goes "well, i guess i should go and talk to him". so he gets up, walks out of the room, and hears some strange noise coming from little johnnys room....so he opens the door....and sees johnny doing his grandma....johnny looks at his dad and says "how does it feel to walk in to me railing YOUR mom?"

[Divine Dragoon]

Ok Ok!! # women are driving in a car The girl from Montana is driving the girl from Idaho is looking thou her bags of stuff and the girl from California is talking away like all Californians do all of a sudden the girl from Idaho throws a bag of potatoes out the window the Montana girl looks at her confused and the Idaho girl says "We have way too much of these in Idaho I'm tyerd of looking at them." the Montana girl then stops the car and throws the California girl out of the car and then drives off and said to the Idaho girl "Same reason."

[YUUKI.N]

Ok Ok!! # women are driving in a car The girl from Montana is driving the girl from Idaho is looking thou her bags of stuff and the girl from California is talking away like all Californians do all of a sudden the girl from Idaho throws a bag of potatoes out the window the Montana girl looks at her confused and the Idaho girl says "We have way too much of these in Idaho I'm tyerd of looking at them." the Montana girl then stops the car and throws the California girl out of the car and then drives off and said to the Idaho girl "Same reason."


I know a similar one but it involves a boat and mexicans (you can figure the rest out I don't feel like telling it)
My new one:

There are these four people that live in an apartment building: a policeman, a fireman, a female supermodel, and a blind man. One day the supermodel decides to take a shower. As she is showering, the doorbell rings. She gets out of the shower, puts on her robe, and opens the door. It's the policeman. The policeman says, "I caught my first crimal today!"
"Good for you!" she responds, slams the door and goes back into the shower. The doorbell rings again. She gets out of the shower, puts on her robe, and opens the door. It's the fireman. The fireman says, "I put out my first fire today!"

"Good for you!" she responds, slams the door and goes back into the shower. The doorbell rings again. "Oh, it's probably the blindman so I won't bother with the stupid robe again..." She get out of the shower, opens the door and the blindman says, "I can see! I can see!"

[InuBokko]

AIDS

[Tazuto]

AIDS
epic fail

when god made the human he made a woman but he also gave her 3 breast, so the woman says she doesnt need the 3rd one so god removes it and the woman says now what do we do with this useless blob? and god created Man

[amn3sys]

a english man a german man and a chineese are sitting in a bar,
the bar keeper says if you make an original sentence whit the words green pink yellow you will get an beer.
the english man says when i look out the window is see the green gras my pink underwear and the yellow sun.
the barkeeper says ok here a beer.
the german man wasnt so original he said the same as the english man When i look out the window is see the green gras my pink underwear and the yellow Sun.
the barkeeper said ok here a beer but, he said to the chineese your sentence MUST be original.
so the chineese said. green green i pink up the phone and i said yellow. XD
he got an beer to

plz pm me if u like the joke i want to know.

[Tazuto]

Check this one out, a priest a rabbi and a shaman walk into a bar, cept theres no rabbi or shaman and its actually my 8th birthday, and the priest is molesting me.....and the priest is my dad and he's not a priest.......my dad molested me....alot....


that good sir's is epic win

[amn3sys]

u stole that one :S

[Charon]

WOMENS RIGHTS!

[Ken-Chan]

i saw ur mum kicking a can down the street i asked her what she was doing she said moving

[YUUKI.N]

i saw ur mum kicking a can down the street i asked her what she was doing she said moving


On that note... I know one "Your Mom is so poor joke"

I saw her walking down the street wearing only one shoe and asked her, "Miss did you lose a shoe?"

And she replied, "No! I just found one!"

[abyssion1337]

WOMENS RIGHTS!
not funny

seriously you're like that guy that whenever you're in the room makes everyone feel awkward

[Ken-Chan]

when Chuck Norris does a push up he doesn't push himself up he pushes the world down

[amn3sys]

:)

[Tazuto]

whats the quickest way to a mans heart?

[Issitheus]

with a chuck norris roundhouse kick?

[Ken-Chan]

chuck norris doesnt read books he stares them down until he gets the information

[abyssion1337]

so we went from funny jokes to lame ones, why?

[Tazuto]

with a chuck norris roundhouse kick?
close but no, chuck norris's fist

[Issitheus]

Two Irishmen are sitting at a bar, having a beer. One turns to the other and says, "Good man, I may be slightly in my cups but I could not help but take notice of your accent. Do you happen to hail from Ireland?"

The other says "Why yes I am! I assume you are as well."

The first: "Certainly! What town are you from, if I might ask?"

The second: "I hail from Cork, finest city in all Ireland."

The first: "I too hail from Cork! What neighborhood?"

The second: "Why I lived on Jameson street, near St. Mary's square."

The first: "As did I! This is nigh impossible! What house number?"

The second: "407"

The first: "By God! The same house number as I!"

A woman overhearing this conversation turns to the bartender and says "It's gonna be a long night, Harris."

"Why's that?" the bartender asks.

Her answer: "The Murphy twins are drunk again."

[YUUKI.N]

Two Irishmen are sitting at a bar, having a beer. One turns to the other and says, "Good man, I may be slightly in my cups but I could not help but take notice of your accent. Do you happen to hail from Ireland?"

The other says "Why yes I am! I assume you are as well."

The first: "Certainly! What town are you from, if I might ask?"

The second: "I hail from Cork, finest city in all Ireland."

The first: "I too hail from Cork! What neighborhood?"

The second: "Why I lived on Jameson street, near St. Mary's square."

The first: "As did I! This is nigh impossible! What house number?"

The second: "407"

The first: "By God! The same house number as I!"

A woman overhearing this conversation turns to the bartender and says "It's gonna be a long night, Harris."

"Why's that?" the bartender asks.

Her answer: "The Murphy twins are drunk again."


o gawd i remember my irish friend telling me that one...

now for a Mitch Hedberg line: "One time a guy handed me a picture and said "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger! "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera."

[abyssion1337]

I think this is one of the classic funny things that&#39;ll never stop being funny

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Watf8_Rf58s

[Ken-Chan]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: ?My friend is dead! What can I do??

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: ?Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.? There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: ?OK, now what??

[acutekat]

one of oldest ones in the book

now for the oldest one in the book


a guy walks into a bar...


and says ouch

[abyssion1337]

one of oldest ones in the book

now for the oldest one in the book


a guy walks into a bar...


and says ouch
that one was never funny

[Ken-Chan]

hey back to lame jokes sweeeet

what do you get when u cross an alligator and a parrot

and animal that will bite your leg off and say who's a pretty boy

[Odessa]

I just heard this one, and I had to share :)



Boy says: Why do you wear a bra? You don't have anything to put in it!
Girl says: Why do you wear underwear?

[Ken-Chan]

hahaha i like that one

What is the thinnest book in the world?
What men know about women!

What is the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature!

[BopBopBop]

Scientology.

best one i know.

[Odessa]

Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog.
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

[Ravenick]

Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog.
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
....HEY!!!! i can be both ;D

[BopBopBop]

What does a Virgin and a babySeal in common?


They both bleed when they get hit by the bat.

[Adjacent Badger]

One of the advantages of having small breasts is, that it only takes very short time to paint them orange.

[BopBopBop]

this ones gold.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ekLO8BwxwE
simply gold joke.

[Dreamer]

Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[Kuwabara]

who knew STAR WARS could be so sexy?
the sexiest/most suggestive lines from the star wars
trilogy...

A New Hope
10. "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what
you smell!"
9. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to
pull out in time?"
8. "Put that thing away before you get us all killed."
7. "You've got something jammed in here real good."
6. "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"
5. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I
thought."
4. "Sorry about the mess..."
3. "Look at the size of that thing!"
2. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
1. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where
it counts, kid."

The Empire Strikes Back
10. "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of
me."
9. "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"
8. "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."
7. "But now we must eat. Cum, good food, cumm..."
6. "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control
for a while."
5. "Hurry up, golden-rod..."
4. "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get
her all riled up like that, huh kid?"
3. "Possible he came in through the south entrance."
2. "And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!"
1. "Control, control! You must learn control!"

Return of the Jedi:
13. "What could possibly have come over Master Luke?
Is it something I did? He never expressed any
unhappiness with my work."
12. "Hey, point that thing someplace else."
11. "I look forward to completing your training. In
time you will call me master."
10. "You're a jittery little thing, aren't you?"
9. "I never knew I had it in me."
8. "Someone must've told them about my little maneuver
at the battle of Taanab."
7. "There is good in him, I've felt it."
6. "If I told you half the things I've heard about
this Jabba the Hutt, you'd probably short circuit."
5. "I assure you, Lord Vader, my men are working as
fast as they can. Perhaps I can find new ways to
motivate them."
4. "Grab me, Chewie. I'm slipping -- hold on. Grab it,
almost...you almost got it. Gently now, all right,
easy, easy, hold me, Chewie. Chewie!" (Han) with "A
little higher, just a little higher." (Lando)
3. "Short help's better than no help at all."
2. "Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe
you one."
1. "Back door, huh? Good idea!"

[Adjacent Badger]

A Korean man, a Mexican man, and an Indian man walk into a pet store. They each wish to purchase a pet, but they're not sure what they want so they ask the owner for help. The owner looks at the Korean and says, "You must be Korean. My best friend is from Korea and she loves cats." The owner reaches into a cage and pulls out a small dog and hands it to the Korean man.

Next, he turns to the Mexican and says, "I see you're Mexican. They have many lizards in Mexico, so I think you'd have a great rapport with an iguana." The owner steps into the back for a moment and comes out with a plastic bag full of water with a single goldfish inside and hands it to the Mexican.

Finally, he turns to the Indian: "Ah, clearly you're from India. I think you'd like a--"

"Wait," interrupts the Indian, "you said my Korean friend would like a cat, and you gave him a dog. You told my Mexican friend here he'd be happy with an iguana, and yet you handed him a goldfish. I don't understand."

"Oh," the owner replied, "both my children drowned in their wading pool yesterday while I was on hold with customer service concerning a faulty lawn mower part I purchased online. I guess I'm a little preoccupied."

[TheWatcher]

Found this one several years back on some online joke site. Good for at least one knee slap.

What do Rubiks Cubes and Penises have in common?






The harder you play with them the harder they get.

[jeremyhac]

Why is the Afghan air force so easy to train?
You only have to teach them how to take off!